circuitice | CALL ME OUT

[ a weighted beat. and then: ]

When have I ever said that they are a matter of pain to me?

...

[ he considers. To irk? to annoy? to play this off, this brief moment of honesty? there's a certain sorrow there, knowing that his inclination is to deny Diluc again. ]

Well, I suppose it was the inference after you left. Though, I am glad you came back as well.

For whatever reason you eventually did.

[ slowly, diluc shakes his head. ]

I didn't leave because of you. [ and, level, as burning brands are: ] I didn't come back for you, either.

I'm not so self obsessed that I would have thought that.

And if you tried to tell me it was so, I would think you were lying.

[ no, he knows he is not the reason for anything. And yet, they walk back and forth around the subject, never quite saying anything. Kaeya stands from his chair. ]

[ diluc, who has never lied to kaeya, thinks - it isn't the whole truth. kaeya rises. diluc looks. ]

... leaving so soon?

Well, you are closed.

Do you want me to linger, Master Diluc?

Are you known to do things based on what I want, Cavalry Captain Kaeya?

Is that a no?

[ he laughs softly ]

Now, I'm tempted for one more drink.

Hmph. Incorrigible.

[ here, however, diluc shakes his head. ]

Stay another moment. I have something to say to you.

Something to say? Oh, I'm curious now.

[ he raises his eyebrows, allowing that curiosity to shine through. ]

[ like peering through hoarfrost, diluc thinks. you only see what it wishes you to see; and what you see is no guarantee that it is all that lurks beneath the surface. but he has known that about kaeya. kaeya has allowed him to see such. diluc has seen further then perhaps he had been allowed. in a way, it's a moment's grace with a wild animal, a wolf in starving winter, teeth bared, wending past your legs for the rabbit behind the snowdrift. a hunter would remember the feel of that brittle fur. kaeya has always starved. diluc, who only knows how to burn, can only watch.

it's why he looks at kaeya. these words should not need to be said. these words ought to be said.

and yet -

kaeya, who had snuck to sumeru when he was young. kaeya, who shook with terror as crepus dragged him back by the ear. kaeya, who shared with diluc his one and only secret. kaeya, who saw sumeru for the second time, and who chose, after all, to come back.

kaeya, kaeya, kaeya, kaeya.

diluc stills. he does not look away. ]

Do go further into your search for Khaenri'ah. [ is what he says first. it is a wood block against an unstoppable lancelet; it could not even be called a shield. a prayer is no source of protection. it is a plea. but that's why he goes on: ] When you choose to do so regardless, do not go anywhere that I cannot follow.

[ he's looking so intently at him, and if Kaeya were younger, less experienced, his cheeks might have pinked at the suggestion behind those words. And there is an impulse to take what is being offered, and run much farther with it than he knows he should. After all, where did they go from here?

They were no longer children. There was no more Crepus to drag him back by the ear, there were no more secrets and with them no more whispering and conspiring with each other, letting Diluc's light eclipse his shadow. the mask of amusement doesn't have much place here.

for once, it's just the two of them, no onlookers with expectations in any way. do not go anywhere that I cannot follow.

Kaeya... could almost laugh. ]

Master Diluc, if I may permit a bit of indiscretion?

[ kaeya does not, in fact, laugh.

there has only ever been one answer to that. ]

Since when did you ever need my permission, Kaeya?

[ Another need to laugh, because Diluc just doesn't get how much Kaeya used to thrive off of Diluc's permission. His allowances. Since when has he needed his permission? Since the first time he allowed himself to kiss Diluc back, for every little nudge forward they took.

for every time he took in the lines of his body, let his breathe linger on his lips, for every sound they've ever drawn out of each other. but of course, Diluc would think it as a matter of course.

how Kaeya wishes he could share that same self confidence in his place here.

but still, he tracks around the bar. he doesn't want to wear out his welcome-- and this move will certainly be a step forward from where they've been. a potential unwelcome move. but as he crosses the layer of the bar, he lifts his hands, framing Diluc's face lightly, and brushes his lips across Diluc's. it's brief, he has no desire to linger there, afraid of the reaction that could still come. ]

Then, I could say you should do the same.

[ it's not the first time they've kissed.

it should be like the first, is the thing. the chasm of years cannot be spanned by a single gesture. trust broken takes longer to reforge than that of the pointed edges of a sword. and diluc and kaeya ceased to be diluc and kaeya that line outlined in rain, and autumn, an early winter that settled and never quite left. mondstadt has yet to see another spring. not for diluc. that disparate people can perceive the same seasons and take away something so different is a matter of course. they don't know what diluc knows - the taste of kaeya after a ravishingly beautiful spring, the puff of his laugh against your neck, the warm weight of his trust as he slips into your bed. they don't know what diluc knows - that diluc had lost this so many years ago, and in return, gained clarity.

clarity - that kaeya will never stop pursuing the khaenri'ans, no matter how mondstadt has settled into his bones and marrow. that kaeya's words can only ever be believed half the time. that kaeya, after all that time, kept his vision alive.

today, kaeya is a live wire, a sliver of hoarfrost on a midsummer's evening. he crosses the space between them. his hands lift. diluc allows it. the skim of his hands, which have always run cool, leave traces of winter's frost like ephemeral patterns of rime, outlining translucence in a way that the naked eye could never parse. it's been a long time since kaeya has touched him. it has been a long time since kaeya has kissed him.

diluc looks. of course he does. something in him bruises at the sight of the distance between them. kaeya kisses him and steps back, and diluc's instinct is to press forward. nine words in the span of a heartbeat, and diluc crosses the distance again to let their lips meet once more. he tastes alcohol. he tastes winter. his hand finds purchase in the wild mane of kaeya's hair, sliding down to his nape where neck meets shoulder. he anchors himself there. kaeya, moorless, is moored through diluc alone, the substantial weight of diluc's focus paring down to this one, singular motion.

diluc kisses him. of course he does.

it is, after all, not the first time. ]

[ there are always multiple possibilities for what the eventual outcome of a decision will be. Kaeya has always found it interesting to weight and plan, and let them surprise him. This bit of indiscretion, he thought, would end with that one tease.

Maybe Diluc would sit with conflicting feelings for a few days, and then, Kaeya would see the end result. Like a seed planted that he could watch grow in the future, and smother just as quickly. And yet, the possibility that he had not weighted, that Diluc would respond immediately, is what he's left with.

His heart stutters, lodging in his throat, and his form goes rigid. the familiarity. and yet, the unknown. Kaeya hadn't allowed himself to hope for this, comfortable in that distant dance because at least it was a dance.

diluc was not the one for indiscretions. And yet, Kaeya's feelings war with him, trapped between surrendering, and scolding him. But his hands, always so warm, anchor him. His breath, sweet, and tantalizing, drags his mind deeper into a dream.

And he closes his eyes, savoring. his hand goes to his wrist, holding lightly, never wanting Diluc to feel trapped and yet, not wanting to let go.

he doesn't deserve this.

and yet, he is savoring it. ]

[ kaeya stills. diluc parts. the way he looks to kaeya is like that of a bleeding gash. there's familiarity; there is an inexorable gap. kaeya looks at him, and diluc, whose wrist is still in kaeya's fingers, burns.

it is not, has not, been the same. diluc, who no longer believes in the sanctity of the past, breathes out. he still tastes kaeya upon the tip of his tongue. ]

... this is what you consider indiscretion. I see.

... It's one of many things.

[ he says, and realizes, he has to let go of Diluc. His eye opens, and he stares at those eyes he's looked at so many times, in so many contexts, that he honestly doesn't know what to do. the memory of what was hurts, and burns as much as any brand would.

he wishes it hurt less to look at Diluc, to say that he's truly moved on. But perhaps he will always be the one that's trapped, in one machination or another.

he lets his arm go, no longer clinging, so that Diluc can leave if he'd like. Or tell him to get out, or one of any possibilities that Kaeya has considered and accepted. ]

It was a small impulse.

[ one I didn't think you would share. ]

Edited 2023-04-28 02:41 (UTC)

[ kaeya lets go. diluc observes the distance between them, and then, because kaeya is still looking at him - lets him.

a small impulse, he says. ]

Was that the extent of your impulse?

[ kaeya looks briefly flustered at the question, one he clearly understands the implications of, and balks at. he isn't allowed this, and yet, he wants it. so, he wars with himself. ]

What... other impulses are you referencing?

[ he refuses to allow himself to sound too eage. this fragile peace could fall apart at any moment, and he has to mentally prepare himself for that. ]

[ it is rare to see kaeya speechless. diluc waits. the question is one that kaeya has rarely needed to ask. but it has been some time; they are returning to territories that had been left uncharted. they have traversed far enough tonight; kaeya with his drink, diluc with his own. the night burns for it.

he breathes out. his own breath scalds. diluc holds out his hand. ]

Kaeya. [ it's an ask in any other form. the gesture says - give him your hand. ]

[ there's a dark impulse, beating in tune with the same hopeful beat of his heart. turn him away, feign ignorance, just like he had before. but this, this communicated something deeper.

and there was no adelinde to interfere.

he looks at his hand, as though he expects it to be withdrawn at any moment, or like he might run away. and yet, the beat of his heart is stronger in this instance, than that dark, dark impulse that he's nursed since that spring day so many years ago.

he lifts his hand, and takes hold of Diluc's. ]

Don't disappoint me. You may be afraid to use your words...

[ but he isn't. in certain circumstances, but it's a threat without bite. ]

[ has diluc ever done anything save for disappointing kaeya?

the measure of that winter was one where righteous anger died. of course it would, when both the blood of your father and your brother were on your hands. kaeya's face had bled. the blue of his eye had seemed dyed an alien colour, the mask of his face a contorted mask. celestia reached down with the grand wings of her intervention to grant kaeya a vision, and yet he still bled. there had been a time wherein kaeya had looked at him with the shining glint of blue for every feat or lesson accomplished. the last he had seen of kaeya before he had left was that of a single, dull blue eye from beneath his hair as mondstadt receded into the lake.

it has been some time. kaeya gives diluc his hand, and diluc's eyebrows quirk. ]

Who here has been afraid to use words tonight?

[ in any case - action has always been louder. diluc's fingers grip kaeya's. he pulls him in.

the hug is a fierce one. the heel of his hand presses into the small of kaeya's back. it remains there - the loss, the chasm of time and the shards of understanding, the fear of an unkonwn winter. what is not said: that the first time kaeya had snuck to sumeru in a caravan, diluc had been afraid. that the second time that kaeya left for sumeru, diluc had been older, and wiser, and no less cold with uncertainty. and the third time - kaeya may not return. diluc will follow. there is nowhere in the night that the flame cannot illuminate, only a winter that even the flames cannot burn.

diluc breathes out. ]

Come home tonight.

[ home - to dawn winery. ]

[ he shivers in response, and there's a significant part of him that wants to break away. the part that thinks this expression of kindness is-- wasted. or happier the longer they're separated, just because it longs for that misery. Kaeya hates that part of him, and yet he finds it hard to resist it when it calls him to one more mission, or to ignore every overture Diluc makes.

it's a part of him that grows a little quieter every day, but at times like this, it makes itself known.

And yet, there is another part that aches at the closeness, hates how it's a shadow of what it once was, and wishes he could be close enough to smell the drink on Diluc's breath all the more often. He knew this could be a possibility when he offered his hand.

and he's delighted and miserable at the same time. ]

Home? Diluc-- Master Diluc.

[ he corrects himself, struggling for a moment. ]

Surely, you're not implying the winery.

[ he says, knowing that he is. ]

[ a breath. diluc eyes lilt as he studies the line of kaeya's neck. kaveh has always run cool, whether in the height of summer or in the midst of fever.

he squeezes his hand. it's not a kind squeeze. ]

Would you like to argue with Adelinde regarding the definition of home?

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tagging when exhausted means i missed a wholeass word in that tag, face in hands

I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE so you good

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wow forgot an icon.

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